Analysing self...

Is never the easiest thing in the word to do. But I am starting to figure out things and why I reach the way that I do. Talking yesterday, I found a whole load of things that I had previously thought was my problem, until I realised that I was reacting to situations that had arisen for the other person in this relationship. That is C. I am not saying that everything is his fault but there are things that would probably be a lot different if I had not had to do what I needed to do with him.I need to be about three steps if not more ahead of him, cos being the impulsive creature that he is, it can lead to all sorts happening. It's also a lot to do with the depression as well. He doesn't like himself very much as a person, and the latest g/f has done such a number on him that he doesn't know which way is up atm.

Examples:

NRE: all encompassing so that the primary partner ie: me is left out. Concentrates solely on new shiny, talks all day all night to them, texts constantly if not emailing, msn etc. Talks about them all the time, and generally making you feel like you are just a bystander in the relationship. Even if you have the same partner in common. Although admittedly nearly all were interested in him rather than us.

Relationships: as with the NRE. He will travel, he will put himself out and he will make every effort for them to be available to go to events or just to be around for them, when they need it, sometimes regardless of what's going on with me. When he is with them there are no phone calls, no texts etc, if there are any they were will be brief, sometimes over effusive if he's not texted for hours. He has expected me to be awake at stupid o'clock when he's got in from somewhere, which soon got knocked on head.

Relationships plus: If we are seeing the same person, if he has a couple of off days and can't be arsed. Then the other person will come to me, to either ask how he's doing then have I done anything wrong and down it will spiral, until they see me as nothing more than a sounding board for their complaints about him. Whatever tenuous relations I had with them have gone out of the window cos they want to complain and bitch about him. As much as I try to sort it, it isn't happening fast enough for them etc. I can't always fix things I do try to explain but doesn't always sink in :(

Sex: Non existent at the moment. I have been replaced by porn and flirting. The only time it ever happens is when he is in the mood, that's normally after flirting with people online or that he's in the mood and I am the only one around. I have been other women's names before now. I have ignored it but it's stuck at the back of my mind. When it does happen it's not fun for me and it's over before I know it, there has been more occasions than not I have felt used, and not in a good way. He almost seems to breathe a sigh of relief if I get involved with someone else.

Yes, ok sometimes hard and fast is good when you are both in the mood, but it's always like that now. I love long slow sensual playing as well as the bite me snogging fizz bang 'Gods I need you now'. While I have never believed sex is the be all and end all for relationships.. I think it helps a lot if there is a good sprinkling of it.. :) What am I talking about a good lot or as much as you can manage is  good. Heck is bloody brilliant..

So yes he's not a bad person and I would like the relationship to carry on but I think that I will have to face facts, that may not happen. He is not moving out cos the relationship has ended, he is moving out to give it a fighting chance. Cos I need my own space and for that matter so does he. I also have Mc to think about and how his depression affects her. It's not just me that has seen it now and that to be fair is a bit of a relief. He does sometimes take it as a joke or retreats into himself.. He will not knowing sometimes make me feel as if it is my fault that it's the way it is. Screaming rows don't happen, me losing temper does with C running away. It's not working :(

Do they....

realise that most of my writings  from that part of my imagination that's been fueled by one person. Make that two now. Mind you I think they know it by now. *chuckles* if they don't I may have read things wrong.
I am not a nympho or a sex addict. I do however have a very good libido when it gets going. At the moment it's simmering away, bubbling constantly. It takes very little to get it to almost boiling lava atm. There are a few times I have pondered just going into the room and snogging them awake, *chuckles*.But am not that brave due to the niggling fear of rejection, plus it's a work day. See *grins* I can fully justify it. I can't help it if I am dating two people that are very addictive in their own right & together, well I can't imagine not being with them.
Distance & time makes a difference & I know in my head that both together & separately both will make time for me. And I love that, I also want to drag ( although seriously doubt there will be dragging) them both away to a room & show them how much they affect me & how. Mostly because with words I can tell them. With actions, takes it to a whole other level.. And sometimes that's what is needed for me anyway.. I am still a cynic and romantic (go figure...) so while words may woo me, actions will prove it to even to my most cynical self..
Although now I know that I can drag people away to have some time.. * chuckles* I shall be bloody well doing that. I like having the frisson of unfulfilled passion but arggh it frustrates me like nothing else can...  it's that time shortly after the all that passion & desire has been spent & you are exhausted, panting, sweaty & grinning like loons, that the world is sharply in focus & all everything is right with it. It can be like that after a good snogging/ petting session but just sometimes it is just all about the sex.

Tis a brain dump...

Now figured out why I get so wobbly with other b/f's when they find new partners. It's not jealousy or envy, it's almost like mourning for something that has been lost within my primary relationship.. And while I have that back in small batches, it leaves as soon as the person who provides it leaves. And while there is another who says he loves me. There is no continuation of what I had then so I feel unbalanced and somewhat lost. I feel as giddy & unsure as an hormonally infused teenager.. which I absolutely love... but then I have all the wibbles that have been gained over the number of years since I have been a teenager..

It's wanting to be treated like that a lot more. And when others get that from the same person, it's almost like you are preparing to have lose it, to not have it there, to have it lessened in someway. Then there is no logic to the feeling of meh, when they say oh going to do this or seeing that or whatever logically it's something that will happen & you live so much further away, miles away. Some of it is cos I have been spoilt by having the attention, so you don't want to lose it so because all I know is previous history, I revert to that..

It's not logical nor is it any help when your logical part knows that this emotional garbage is really not helping. Being safe,secure in a relationship is something that I have had very little of. Something has normally had to be sacrificed & compromises made so that I would fit in. I have had to deal with others behaviour that has led me to be uncomfortable but when it was raised as an issue it was my problem, I should just deal with it as it's all in my head. I never had conselling  for the abuse (both sexual & mental) that I got from the ex husband and I think I can see where a lot of the defense wibbles come from as well as recent with W.

Which has led to where I am now. I am struggling with the fact I can say what I feel. That I can ask for things. I still can't do point out when I think things are unfair/unbalanced, that is still a major hurdle atm. It's much to do with the sense of fairness kicking in. Plus don't want to be the one that causes problems. It's probably not being unequal my head says but heart says something else.. And that can cause more conflict in my head. They've said, commented that does that mean that I am not as good, not good enough company.. & it spirals down & down.  Being selfish or wanting more causes me dilema. That sets,off thewhole needy cycle. Not being needy/clingy but rather being very aware of where it might go.

You know you can text or prod via im etc but you talk yourself out of it saying that they are busy other people need their time as much as you.. and really it's being daft, silly to voice concerns that a woman of my age has..


I need to give myself permission to be who I want to be rather than who I am supposed to be. If you were to ask me who is Kira, then I would have to reply I don't know. Kira has been many things to many people. Wife, mother, friend, lover, punchbag, servant, lodger. So I have what people expect of me but very little of who I am. So when asked what I want... I don't know. I know what I would like but it's the being worried that people will say no, or will say well I don't want to go/be/attend with you would rather with 'insert name '. Again past experiences have taught & reinforced this. So maybe I expect things to go wrong, and then are floored when they don't you know there is a solid floor but you can't see it., you have no bearings no compass and no way of dealing with things.

Things need to relearned but I hope that I have people that love me enough to make that possible. I guess I need people to reassure that I will get as much as everyone else. That even if there are new shiney that I won't be forgotten about. And to a point I let it I will back off and let them have time but sometimes that does tend to backfire on me. But for the sake of my sanity I need to assert myself & my wants, not to the detrimental to others but still that I am heard.


I have been like this, I am like this and I hope that I can change this too.

NSFW....NSFW...NSFW..... Visit part three....NSFW.....NSFW......NSFW

And I give it to you. Three more times I bring the tails of the flogger down over your nipples until your breath is heaving and your eyes are growing leaden.

Backing up I sit on my heels. "Up. Kneel with your hands at your back."

There is no hesitation in your obedience. I like it even more as I begin to bind you with the crimson rope and I see the contrast between the rough texture and your skin, smooth and creamy. You make soft sounds as it digs into your flesh.

I take my time. Just you and me and our breathing. Your muscles are loose from the massage and I watch as a flush breaks over you from desire and binding.

"Whatever shall I do to you now?" I murmur in your ear as I finish. Your torso is bound, arms at your back,  "Clamps? You're ever so fond of teasing me about them."

I move off the bed and pull you back, so you're standing. I pick up the paddle and run it down over your haunches and deliver several hard smacks to warm you up.

"Such a pretty shade," I say softly before I give you several more.

You're writhing against the coverlet. I lean in and whisper, "More?"

Your "yes" is gasped and sends shivers down my spine. Leaning over your body, the fire on your ass and thighs is hot against my cool skin. I lay kisses down your spine.

I untie you slowly, stroking over the rope marks in your flesh, kissing them. Your gasp is surprised and then desire laden.

"Didn't expect that, did you?"

Laying back I smile. "My turn."

NSFW....NSFW...NSFW..... Visit part two....NSFW.....NSFW......NSFW

The air thickens as things change, move to another level. I wait to see what you'll do. Whether you roll over or not, whether you submit.

And you do. You roll over and look up into my face, lips slightly parted, pupils wide with expectation.
 The oil makes the friction as your nipples, hard, slide through my fingers. Your breath catches in your throat and I feel hands move up my thighs a bit hesitant at first and then more bold.

Moving up, I straddle your body. My hair slides down and curtains our faces. It's just the two of us.
I reach down and pull the flogger, a coil of rope and a paddle from the floor below. They're in your view and I raise an eyebrow in your direction."Let's see if you're as tough as all that talk, shall we?"
That flash of fear and then excitement I see in your eyes makes me wet and I can't help but smile at you, catching my lip between my teeth.

Oh how you talk tough! I trail the tails of the flogger over your nipples and watch them harden.. Watch your flesh break out in shivers. A flick of my wrist brings a sharp bite of leather against that sensitive skin.

A gasp breaks from your lips but you arch, wanting more.

NSFW....NSFW...NSFW..... Visit part one....NSFW.....NSFW......NSFW

What would I do if I had them alone in my house for 24 hours I was asked. I grinned and said I'd write it here.......

I'd like to think it would be soft and slow, but maybe not. Maybe once you walked in my front door you'd find yourself against it, my body pressing against yours, eyes locked until my lips found that frantic pulse beat at the place just below your ear.

My hands would touch you, slide over your skin, up and under your shirt. You're soft and warm as you reach to touch me in turn.

Lips find lips. The kiss starts slow and burns deep. Stepping back I smile and invite you in, delighting in the desire hungry look on your face.

I hold my hand out and you take it as I lead you into the house and get you a drink. Talk then. Casual touches burn slow.

Until I tell you to go lay down. After you take your clothes off.

I come in and see you there, naked. Moving to you, I put down the warmed oil and lean in, letting my hair drag over your bare back. I press a kiss at the base of your neck before pouring the oil down your spine.

Slowly, my hands work into the muscles of your back. Up and over in a rhythm and I can feel you relax. The scent of exotic oils rises from your flesh.

Leaning down, my lips touch your ear. "Turn over."

Need...

I need you.

Those three words are to me as intoxicating as the other three.
There is, of course, pain involved in needing someone, in the feeling of lacking completion without them. But it is a different kind of pain, one far easier to endure knowing that it can be remedied. So now I seek out a cure for my pain, I plan, I ponder, the best way to broach the subject with you. I discuss it with my K, my friend, my sister, she knows the pain in my heart better than any other.

Right now the need I have is more basic, more animalistic. I need to fuck, to be fucked. As much as I crave your affection. Gods right now I would give all of them up to be in your arms. For that instinct we seem to share to kick in, for desire to get the better of us.

I need you...