Now figured out why I get so wobbly with other b/f's when they find new partners. It's not jealousy or envy, it's almost like mourning for something that has been lost within my primary relationship.. And while I have that back in small batches, it leaves as soon as the person who provides it leaves. And while there is another who says he loves me. There is no continuation of what I had then so I feel unbalanced and somewhat lost. I feel as giddy & unsure as an hormonally infused teenager.. which I absolutely love... but then I have all the wibbles that have been gained over the number of years since I have been a teenager..
It's wanting to be treated like that a lot more. And when others get that from the same person, it's almost like you are preparing to have lose it, to not have it there, to have it lessened in someway. Then there is no logic to the feeling of meh, when they say oh going to do this or seeing that or whatever logically it's something that will happen & you live so much further away, miles away. Some of it is cos I have been spoilt by having the attention, so you don't want to lose it so because all I know is previous history, I revert to that..
It's not logical nor is it any help when your logical part knows that this emotional garbage is really not helping. Being safe,secure in a relationship is something that I have had very little of. Something has normally had to be sacrificed & compromises made so that I would fit in. I have had to deal with others behaviour that has led me to be uncomfortable but when it was raised as an issue it was my problem, I should just deal with it as it's all in my head. I never had conselling for the abuse (both sexual & mental) that I got from the ex husband and I think I can see where a lot of the defense wibbles come from as well as recent with W.
Which has led to where I am now. I am struggling with the fact I can say what I feel. That I can ask for things. I still can't do point out when I think things are unfair/unbalanced, that is still a major hurdle atm. It's much to do with the sense of fairness kicking in. Plus don't want to be the one that causes problems. It's probably not being unequal my head says but heart says something else.. And that can cause more conflict in my head. They've said, commented that does that mean that I am not as good, not good enough company.. & it spirals down & down. Being selfish or wanting more causes me dilema. That sets,off thewhole needy cycle. Not being needy/clingy but rather being very aware of where it might go.
You know you can text or prod via im etc but you talk yourself out of it saying that they are busy other people need their time as much as you.. and really it's being daft, silly to voice concerns that a woman of my age has..
I need to give myself permission to be who I want to be rather than who I am supposed to be. If you were to ask me who is Kira, then I would have to reply I don't know. Kira has been many things to many people. Wife, mother, friend, lover, punchbag, servant, lodger. So I have what people expect of me but very little of who I am. So when asked what I want... I don't know. I know what I would like but it's the being worried that people will say no, or will say well I don't want to go/be/attend with you would rather with 'insert name '. Again past experiences have taught & reinforced this. So maybe I expect things to go wrong, and then are floored when they don't you know there is a solid floor but you can't see it., you have no bearings no compass and no way of dealing with things.
Things need to relearned but I hope that I have people that love me enough to make that possible. I guess I need people to reassure that I will get as much as everyone else. That even if there are new shiney that I won't be forgotten about. And to a point I let it I will back off and let them have time but sometimes that does tend to backfire on me. But for the sake of my sanity I need to assert myself & my wants, not to the detrimental to others but still that I am heard.
I have been like this, I am like this and I hope that I can change this too.
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