Bad dreams...

Bad nightmare last night, more to do with memories past..


Walking on egg shells....

6 years of my life I spent there.

Walking on egg shells everyday, not knowing when or how but it was always there.

When I tiptoe around my own home scared to make a sound. To say a word in the event it led to a
beating and a kicking.

One of the worse things to deal with is the fact that he the abuser is so clever and he is normally so well adjusted and so well turned out and such a gentleman to others that if you tried to tell even family they would say you were a liar. Was always so attentive to your needs when with others. I had been with him two years before the real violence began, the other stuff was the setting the scene seperating me from family and friends making me so totally dependant on him I trusted him believed in him and eventaully beleived all he said to me all those times, he was abusive "that I was a no good ugly fat bitch who no-one would ever want to own or fuck a useless piece of shit who was good for nothing and never would be."

I got out finally after six long years. I had walls so thick you needed a tank to get in..and yes it can wreck the future especially if the flashbacks start coming , it can cause lots of problems with sex, it can cause severe hangups and panic attacks.. happens still I can have terrible nightmares.

Trusting again is so very very hard. You can go so far and then you stop yourself for fear of being hurt.Sometimes you become your own enemy you destroy your own relationships because you are falling in love and you are scared to let anyone that close.

The worst thing that I did to myself is to have sex without feeling anything you can close off emotions, you turn off, you shut down when things are happening. You can close off yourself behind this false shield you call protection. Yet your need is so desperate, you are so lonely and so empty you feel like you are in a hole a big dark hole..empty hole

But there is a life after abuse, a strong self willed life, you can beat it and you can come out the other side. Flashbacks will still happen and they don't dull with time but youy learn to deal with them. And maybe you'll meet people who love you not the idea of you .......

Passion...

Passion .
What do I mean? It can appear from nowhere - at the turn of an argument when someone suddenly stumbles on something that you feel sooo strongly about. Before you know it - the adrenaline is pumping and you are fighting like never before to get your point heard.

Passion.

It appears when you talk about your favourite things. A book you couldn't put down when you were a child. A film you saw that really made you think. Anything that lights your eyes up, makes them sparkle, your words rush from your mouth.

Passion.
Of course to me, it's also about sex. But not just any sex. It's about tearing clothes off, kissing furiously, grabbing, kneading, scratching, clawing, rolling, screaming, panting furious sex. It's like good sex - but it feels a hundred times better.

Passion.

There is a special place, somewhere the neck meets shoulder, that when found, and kissed or nuzzled in just the right manner, will send shivers up and down my spine. I can not even tell you for sure where it is but when it's discovered, my legs buckle and soft sighs escape my lips unbidden.

Passion.

The warm wetness of your tongue, exploring. It finds all those sensitive places, both known, and unknown to me, teasing. The feel of your skin warmth seeping into my palms, as my hands move over your body. The look in your eyes as I do so...

Passion

It's about waking the next day covered with scratches and bruises and aches and pains and recalling as to where they came from, how they happened all in infinate detail. It's about still being able to feel it three days later - the slight thought that makes you shiver everywhere.  It's about hair pulling, tugging, gripping. 

Passion  

A deep ravaging kiss that tells me you find me so desirable that you would suck me in, in entirety if you could, because you just can't get enough. Long slow kissing. Eye gazing kissing. Kissing that goes on forever, kissing for the first time...


Arrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh there I go again...* stalks off for a cold shower *

Navel gazing part two.

So yes, talking has actually happened. I am not sure that C realises what he does or doesn't do so doesn't realise what it triggers in my head, so I do tell him but he does look at me as if I have stepped out of another place. Yes, we do things well and we do support each other. I do get that we do have to have more time apart than together, this does work for us.

If this makes sense readers, I need to give myself permission to be me as well. Which is something that I have realised as well. This has not been happening. I don't want to go to extremes but I do now know that I can trust Mc and C to not burn the house down.. Well people that have seen them together know what I mean that sometimes Mc acts older than C. Plus he's no good at mornings as a rule. I get up as I like to have that hour or so with her. Much like I used to do with my Dad when he was up so early in the mornings.

I talked about how people have made me feel. How the treatment has made me feel that I am a person worth of being loved. That I like the attention but it's not too much to make me feel swamped or wanting to run away cos it's just overwhelming. Within that there are things I need to work on with my partners and for the benfit of future people that any of us are involved with. And that's my intial reactions when I find out that someone is interested in someone else. I don't normally voice it as I know it's illogical, but the thought normally crosses my head. That thought is have I done something wrong? It's a conditioned response, it has no place in my head.

I have had been made an offer of a fwb with an old friend. We have flirted, mucked about and had a rather good snog. I am seriously thinking about it. And in the interests of me thinking about things I am just putting this down as the way I see things. I have never entertained a fwb before and I get why it makes sense for people, as it's not a one night stand, it's not as involved as a relationship but at least the support is there on both sides. It also means that if in the same place there is the comfort of both physical and mental needs. Each person gets something that they want and carry on with their lives, again talking, flirting and generally being a good friend. 

There are down sides to things from what I can see. If one or other develops deeper feelings or that one or other gets a partner who does not share. If things spill over it could cause problems, with the friendship, but also a lot of long standing friends that may not quite understand what's going on or for that matter approve. I do believe that I am in a place emotionally that I can manage that. It's a balance and one that will be interesting to say the least. I know both of us are level headed and can see the wood from the trees. And we do enjoy each others company which I do feel is a big deal. Otherwise what on earth do you talk about? 

 

Navel gazing part one.

Do you ever get the yen to lose yourself in someone for hours to escape for a little while? I want to do that now. *wistful sigh*

This was written as a tweet on the way home from a few days away. While I was battling with having to re arrange myself into the mould that has been shaped by others expectations of how I should be when I get home. This leads to a bit of resentment and almost stampy foot going I don't wanna! I guess in one way I was fortunate to have a fairly long journey to get most of it out of my system before I walked through the door.

Why does it get like this, because this time I had no small person ( and please people don't get the wrong idea. I love my daughter, but I have her for the majority of the time even when I go away on holidays so it's nice not to have that every now & again) I was on my own and I could do pretty much my own thing. I had no schedule to fit in with. I could get to see who I wanted to see and who I wanted to spend time with, without the feeling that I would suddenly be called upon to cook this/fix that or just tidy up after other people. 

One thing that seems to be very much lacking is spontaneity, oh I can be. And there is nothing more than just buggering off for the day.  If D was better I think that as soon as the weather improved I would be off as much as I could be. Given a bigger bike I think I would be exploring places either that or what I like to call flash solo trips just to visit people.

And having that option these last few days has brought into focus things I have been pushing away cos I didn't want to deal with them. I like sex. I am not going to shout put in capital letters etc.( I don't still want one night stands, but I think that having long term relationships combined with a possible long standing fwb is what I can function with and deal with. )

So yes... I like the whole thing from flirting to teasing, to being in the same room as a person you fancy but want to take it slow but end up all over each other as soon as you can mange it. From slow teasing sensual kisses where the world just doesn't exist to the clashing of mouths bruising deep kisses that you can feel on your mouth for days later. The teasing of fingers tracing down neck arm slowly using nails to make a point, where you hear a sharp intake of breath, a shudder/moan. You smile, a wanton self satisfied smug smile knowing that the person that you are in this web/fog of sensual lust is as enthralled by what's happening, and more importantly your actions/ reactions to them, what they are doing. Where you can end up with a fit of giggles for now reason other than you are actually so full of endorphins etc, you just want to grin, giggle and be silly. You do feel worshipped, you feel good, you feel self confident that unless you really judge it badly you can initiate things without the fear of being rejected.

In my primary relationship that seems to have all but disappeared. if I get 'pounced' it's on his terms and when he feels like it. There is very little in the way of foreplay or kissing, and it's almost like, well I have done that, she'll leave me alone again now. OK so yes, spontaneity doesn't always happen in long term relationships, but when you have been away for a few days, he's saying that he does miss you. You don't expect to be immediately rushed off and pounced (no complaints if that happened)  but you don't expect the now immortal words ' I've been really sore & achy' which is now known as Badger speak for I am not up for anything. This has been a constant thing, and I am finding it very hard to not get upset as I write this. But I need to get this out. I don't know what to do about it but I am thinking that very soon I need to be the one that says 'We need to talk'.

It's the last week that has brought things sharply into focus. It's been lovely to feel that I am wanted and looked upon as someone that can pass for sexy, funny, sensual and to be blunt shaggable... * chuckles* That my touch on just someones skin can make them sigh with pleasure and need. That when I touch them, kiss them, they don't pull away, making the excuse that they need to get up, got things to do. or that I was grabbing so it hurt. It's much like the kink play, afterwards relax and then ooh well that made feel good  'shall we?' but the reason is that he did the work so is now tired. I start to wonder if it's laziness or just the fact that he can't be arsed :( Maybe why I get the encouragement to have other people so that he doesn't have to fulfill that role in life. I am not a sex crazed/starved 40 plus woman, out on the prowl, that's not what I am trying to say.

There is more but I am needing to go and have a good cry.. :(

Something to say?

Nope I don't have much( if anything) to say about what has been going on/has gone on. I have been asked but I have decided that it's not for public consumption..

What's done is done. If other parties want to speculate and 'say it as it is' well then let them. If you want to listen then that's your choice. If you want me to confirm or deny then you will be disappointed by no comeback.

Too many air their 'Dirty Laundry' in public or behind locked/blocked posts cos they want to post cryptic updates mostly aimed at former partners. We have been in the past guilty of this, including me but I decided in 2010, that it's pretty bloody pointless. You shout about it, people make judgements, you stay quiet, people make judgements. You post about nothing related to anyone and that can get judged too. There are also those who will tell you that they are on your side while relaying everything back to others...

In short, the more I see and learn about this lifestyle, the more I understand why it is called 'The Scene'.

There is so much in my head that I need to get out into the daylight... to kill it so I don't have my head scrambled.

It's getting there but I write some then I get annoyed so have to stop... but I will write it all down so that I can use it and get rid of...

Thanks for your patience. xx

The polyamoury scale // What would Dr Kinsey say?

http://londonfaerie.co.uk/2010/12/poly-scale/

Fascinating read :)