Living in the Gap between Past and Future...

So we left off.. with coffee and an ok mince pie (next time leave the tescos ones alone).Or have cream with it cos that solves most things :)

So yes, having fun or rather to let myself have fun. I am very wary of people. I have never been that trusting and when I have done in the past it has come back to bite me on the arse.. which is not always pleasant.  And it does make me more wary and determined to not let people past any defences at first. There are still defences in places with people that I have known for years, there are very few people that have managed to break them all down. To give you an example there are three I am after all only human. I don't get jealous but I get envious about things. But I will not let it affect things, I do normally talk about it if I feel it needs to be talked about.. So yes I try not to put people through hoops but goddess above I get sorely tempted.

It's not helped by me thinking why on earth are they interested in me?

Seriously I do question some people's sanity as to why they think I am all the things they think I am in a good way. I have commented before that I am seriously batshit, but that seems to be an endearing quality...

I can be nasty, horrible, bitchy, grumpy, a real pessimist, depressed and if I am at my absolute worst.. detached and aloof.  I don't think much of my figure although I do have great boobs for a corset * chuckles* My body could do with a bit of an overhaul, but I can be very lazy about it.. I need to have motivation for things. So any help with that would always be appreciated  :) I don't list these for sympathy and I have my bloody fantastic days but in all interests of balance I think it's fair to list bad points too...

I don't do one night stands.. I can't do it even if it is for safe no strings sex... (according to sources that's how it said *g* ) but I am sure you get the idea. I am not wired to do it... I do sometimes wish that I could, and I have tried but it's not me. I feel guilty, it feels wrong, I did it twice and had such a huge post mortem after them, that was 10 years between them. And yet friends with benefits is a concept I can quite happily live with. I think it has more with my changes and how I manage with things. And the fact that there is less of an imagined stigma to me. This came as a bit of a shock a few years ago when I discussed  it with a male friend of mine. *wry chuckle*

Flirting is fine and I am cool with that, although I can't flirt like some I know * chuckles*

It's a skill I have yet to master..I have in recent week have had to re examine this and I have asked people not to flirt with each other. I ran the whole gamut of feeling bad about it but in the end through talking to both, I knew that I had made the right decision. Sometimes it's not until it's a reality that you realise that maybe you are not as cool with it.(To put in context both would be involved with me and one is involved with C, it could *in my mind anyway* have gotten messy) So it's best to leave it alone for now.

So yes my views are changing and the way that I relate to people that I am involved with too.This boils down to I need to not be so involved with everyone all the time. It would be nice to know where interest lies and if anything happens I don't want to be last to know, this is mostly for long term partners. There are times that I need not try to want to fix things all the time. But I need to leave people to it... I know it's hard and I sometimes get sucked in, but it doesn't do my peace of mind any good. I then get stressed. I need to know when to say no. I need to be aware that I need help sometimes too.

There is a bit more but I think for this evening you lot have a fair amount to wade through *smiles*

Waiting for a moment that will never happen......

Polyamory is what happens when Cupid upgrades to automatic weapons.

 This was seen on Twitter and I loved it.. *chuckles* it appeals to my warped sense of just being warped I guess.

My views and how I see Poly are ever changing, growing with me. I did have a set idea in my head of how it would be. And yes at that time while I was trying to get my head round it all it seemed like a good idea. The idea? Oh two boyfriends.. that was it. Mainly it was due to the fact that I lived down in Plymouth so travelling was an issue. But that was it that was my perfect model for Poly at the time.

But it's changed much as I have changed. I don't class it as being greedy cos I am picky as a picky thing on a really picky day. *chuckles* And every person I meet and am friendly with is not someone I want to drag to bed. That would lead to some very short lived friendships.. on the other hand there have been people who I have fancied the pants off but knew it would go nowhere so have had a wonderful rich friendship with them. Some are aware that I do 'fancy' them but they don't use that, just accept it for what it is. That works very well.

I have taken the plunge and dated women as well. When I first started being sexually active, it was women that I experimented with. But it was due to a rather nasty and scarring incident at the age of 13/14 I shut myself away from girls, boys and became very much a loner. Being the gooseberry with friend's romances as they seemed to steamroller through boys and girls.

But I digress, in order to for me to expand openness  I really need to shift my views, the reasons why they have become ingrained in my head is due to the actions of others. So I need to shake off those restrictions that were imposed, then I in turn imposed them on myself. A never ending quite vicious circle.

I need to give myself more freedom to be me.. and people that I am involved with to be them. I am rather nosey about what  they do. I do realise that people have lives.. I am selfish enough to want to be important to someone or a few someone's but not enough to take over. I must admit with the likes of msn and chats I do get a little tongue tied and tend to go quiet. I never really know what to say. I have convinced myself on many occasion that I am that rubbish on msn/chat that people don't want to talk to me or find others that are far more entertaining than myself.

It has turned into in the past that I am really not worth knowing and I should leave well enough alone.

This is not the case now, I just really am not one for sitting for hours on chats and Im's but I can write a good email or text. * chuckles* so maybe I should stick to them. This also means that people can offer up information about themselves rather than me poking, prodding it out of them. I don't like it so why the hel do I think that other people will be happy with it? 

I like to know who people are involved with or maybe involved with, it's not always clear cut and I shouldn't expect it to be so but yet I have done, I really need to stop that. As well as expecting my own life to be so clear cut.. would it hurt if lines etc were muddled a little and things became not so much of a juggling act but more of an interesting puzzle of ooh how do I get to do and see everyone I want. It's not been that way cos I have resisted the temptation.. 

There will be more.. but coffee and a mince pie call to me...

Care and Feeding of..... Me.

*"Do what you feel in your heart to be
right, for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and
damned if you don't" ~ Eleanor Roosevelt.*

This is a quote I stand by. These guidelines are not about any one person, so don't get upset or offended. But since I was asked about them thought it was high time to write them down.

Low maintenance does not mean none or very little. I have expectations of how I expect to be treated, in the past that has been put to one side so that I can be fed crumbs,(by friends & lovers). I have made do, but I am not prepared to do that any more.

Making me smile is not rocket science really it's not..cupcakes, sushi, coffee..are some things.

I really don't appreciate being picked up when people are bored and then dropped when people find something better/different etc. And come back later as if nothing has happened...

Being the last to know is also a really big bug bear, sometimes it happens but when it happens more often than not then I start to wonder why I am around.

I will always try to think of everyone. If you are ill or down, I will try and make time to as to how you are. I won't expect visits etc until you are 100% much as I am greedy with wanting to spend time with partners/bf and friends, I'd rather you were well enough than risking being poorly again.

Talk to me, ask me how I am, how my day has gone, take an interest in things I'm doing I am not always away on msn and there are things like texts emails etc. When I am involved with people, I really appreciate stuff like that. Even if we are just friends, I do like to just send a random text hug to people cos I hope it will make them smile.

Sometimes my head will think all sorts of bad things, turns into washing machine on constant rinse. It's not good and I try to keep my wibbling to a minimum but sometimes it needs to spill out so my fb status will be angry, thoughtful, thoughtless on times.
It's the best way I know to work things out, most of it will not be aimed at anyone.

Don't offer hollow compliments or empty promises, you will be held to account, even if you don't realise it at the time.

Treats and gifts don't have to be expensive or large. While they are lovely it's the little things that matter, and the thought that counts. Although if you do want to take me away.. can you make sure I have a child minder first ;)

Date nights, yes I do expect to have time alone with people that I care about but I don't appreciate being convenient, if that's the case you need someone else not me.

They say you only get out what you put in. I must admit there have been times when I seem to do all the running/effort and get very little back.. I have walked away from relationships/friendships when this has happened. It's mostly for self preservation.

As far as I am concerned, each relationship I am in is different but i do expect the same care, consideration in each one, that works both ways you know. But I do not see Poly as something like 'Pokemon collect them all!'

Let me indulge you once in a while, let me get the coffees/cake or even if I can afford it, buy lunch. It gives me a lift knowing that I can pay for something. And that I have treated you.

I do have a problem. I can't bring myself to ask for things, help, money, time.

I don't expect people to be psychic but it can plague me and make me very bad tempered. Sometimes it's good to just ask. I also get stuff into my head that it get so big so huge that I can't always bring myself to tell you if there's a problem. So nudge me until you have gotten to the root of things.. I will talk I sometimes find it very hard.

I blow up when I am angry, let me vent, and then talk to me. That way I will listen to what you are saying.. what can I say .. redhead on the inside too ;)

Never take me for granted..I am not good old Kira. I demand respect, I will also do all that I can to earn it, that goes for trust. But if either of those are taken as given, you may find a very annoyed me.

Waves from the top of the Hill

Hello,

I am not promising a post every day I have tried to blog everyday. But that pretty much failed. Now I am hoping that with just the right nudging I can do something about that.

I do have at least two other journals, but like the whole idea that I can get at this through my goggle reader, or even google reader :)

There are things that I would feel more comfortable blogging here. Such as the fet life stuff I do and want to explore. My changing and evolving theories and feelings on Poly. How I fit and where every thing can just be thrown on a page. Not have to make any sense but maybe in de-constructing things I can make sense out of it. And not to self censor myself which I do a lot of. I then find that it builds and can destroy me from the inside at the very least eat at me until I explode...

It would be nice to know that people are reading this, please make yourself known if you do..