This is mostly past history to try and explain some of the things that can upset me or cause triggers.

And before that the ex husband, who told me I was too fat to be attractive or to sleep with, and that I was boring in bed. Then there was Tony. I have not said much about what went on some of it has been forgotten on purpose.
But the are things that since I am trying to become more relaxed etc that I think I really need to explain.

Tony made me second guess myself, made me paranoid that I was the one that was imagining things that he was being straight, honest and yet was lying through his fecking teeth.
This all started with the Bunny Boiler Heni.

When they first met, three meetings on, which he swore were harmless, they ended up in a hotel room for the afternoon, he then announced it proudly to me via a phone call on the way home to his wife. After he had told me that there was no spark between them and she was good company.

He used to to tell me he was going to work,and then ended up spending the days/nights with Heni, after she kicked out her Hubby for Tony. He proposed to her on Valentine's day, oh he had done that to me not two years before.

Over the next 3 years, he lied to me and to Heni. And I was blind not to notice it.. I wanted it to be ok. Once Wendy was dead he left it for a month then started 'dating'. By this time Heni had dumped him and moved on of sorts. Little did I know until Ty confessed a few months after I moved away, that he had slept with most of them which is why I was asked to keep an eye on his daughter/dog/house. He swore blind that he was Poly and that he would be happy to spend his life with me, as long as we were poly. This was after all the crap that when he wanted Heni and just her. That she could give him more kids, that she was fantastically inventive in bed.. and things like that.

Two days after my birthday he went on a site called mysinglebestfriend. And was checking out women there saying he was only looking. That's where he met Shosh. He did not have the guts to tell me that after the first day he met her, she was the one. But he still didn't want to give me up so he said. The twice he went to dinner he swore blind that he did not sleep with her. Again I later found out that he lied. It all came to a head when I walked out to have a cigarette and they were down below me, hands all over each other, and kissing like there was no tomorrow. So I was then sat down by Tony & told that it was over, I should have seen it coming, no she couldn't do poly and that Tony couldn't live with out her and that Shosh would be moving in by Dec. This was the end of Oct he had known her for little over a month.

I made the mistake of accepting a holiday with them at Xmas. It was as they said an apology. I had asked that since we were only there for two days, could they not be intimate as I was still rather raw. They agreed and then they broke that agreement, (it was a play session followed by sex I had to walk past the door) which ended up with me walking out and spending three hours in the freezing cold by the sea on Boxing day.

As I said at the beginning of this, he made me feel like I was the one imagining all this, and that he had been totally straight. He also made me out to be a psycho when I got annoyed when I confronted him. And told all of his friends that I would lie to them about things that had happened, so I was to be ignored. All this plus being treated like the maid/childminder etc.
I was gullible and he was very persuasive.

So while I try to stay calm and relaxed things are going to make me flinch a little. The whole sleeping/fancying thing is one that I have managed to do to myself, I know it needs to stop but the little voice always there. It's not an attention thing, it's just that when you are dumped for someone younger etc. And I am always half expecting the boot in regards to my performance in bed. The play aspect was sort of squashed by L and I hope that will change soon enough, but I do miss it. I got twitchy if I feel someone is keeping something from me. And I can get rather narky & nasty if that's the case :( I am not proud of myself and after Tony's description of me to his friends.  I also worry about introducing people, if that things happen, I am still always afraid that it will be left out.

So I really hope that you can understand this is not a post for sympathy. It's happened, I am still working through things cos a lot got put on hold, so now is the time to process sort and discard that which is not good for in regards to my self esteem.