Confidence.... says who?

I recently turned my attention to a bit of self-realization: the more I like someone, the more wibbly/worried I get (to which I was told by a friend, "Duh, you're a girl"). You'd think age and experience would lead more to self-assurance and confidence, but alas  still that brain part quivers and twitches, semi-desperate to be loved, but still playing it oh-so-casually  or at least as calmly to the other person as possible. I don't remember relationships being so hard when I was younger -- in fact, I know they weren't. It went proximity + crush = relationship, problem solved for x. Although that was easier for others, me oh I wish it happened that easily.

Now, not so much, although it can get in the way sometimes and I think it's time to break that fourth wall a little more than usual, not that it ever really happens to stay firmly in place for long but it's there.

  I've never pretended to understand men, but the one thing I can conclude from all this is the common denominator in it all -- yours truly. No, this is not the bid for pity that it may seem. Quite the opposite, actually -- I recognize that I am a unique person who looks for not just anyone. While even those might've ended before I was ready, I've dealt with it and moved on, with perhaps a minor exception or two. Everyone's allowed their Waterloo. TH was definitely  mine :/

When I first started this article, I was in the process of being in love with a few people, and I was feeling somewhat girly-stupid about one of them. Things were going well, and I was allowing myself to get a little wiibly/nevous, but more or less keeping it in check.

See, I've sat and thought about things, made decisions and come to some conclusions & has left me wondering about how I feel about people. While there are people that I love. I'm also not 'in love' with some of them, call it a mutual lust for each other, and that's fine too. And there are also friends ( see the friendship post) I came to the conclusion that not everyone I meet or get involved with would envoke or feel the same the way I had hoped.. so I grew up a little.. Alot of the way I previous thought was down to the way I had been introduced to poly, and there fore whilst I had my own moral code, I would find that the way I was 'supposed' be behave for want of a better word was not the way I wanted to behave, and I started to resent the restrictions that I had agreed to, by being involved with that person. Once that was gone I was lost for a while not knowing what I could really do but I am finding my feet,and my direction again, and my moral code is the only one that matters..

Anyhow, I'm feeling -- secure. My self-doubting voice has been turned down a lot, it still has it's moments though..while I feel confident, about things, I am still me, after all and I consider that a good thing. .
Life is getting better....