I don't really write about these, mostly because I do feel it would come across as moaning when I have very little to moan about. I really need to just let rip sometimes rather than sit and wonder how many people I have insulted with my meh status. This is rather silly.. I have feelings, I am sure that my friends will see it as vent rather than it be an insult to them.
And I know and fully understand that there are people that are not doing as well as me..
So what's caused this meltdown.. I have a feeling that's a combination of tiredness, and the grey weather, the fact that I have not dealt with a lot of stuff with the break with L, Badger not getting the help that we were expecting back at the new year and just little things happening one after another. Not big stuff at all, just the fact that I bury it, get on with it. Unfortunatly it's not a bottomless pit, damn shame and suddenly you realise that you are crying for no reason. You are almost resentful, angry and the little things suddenly turn into mountains rather than stuff you can step over.
According to the counsellor that I saw last year, I cope very well with the stress, probably too well, so they feel that there is little they can do for me. I am not a suicide risk, nor will I harm anyone else. I am too controlled and while I will relax to talk to them, they mentioned that they felt I was always holding back, was surprised when I never cried at the sessions.
Yes trhere are things I can work on and I am trying but six sessions was not enough time and because they feel that they can't help I was not offered any more or further sessions else where.
So it seems the walls are thick and strong and I am chipping away at them.. but every now and then someone will come smashing through them, and I panic as no one is allowed to see me vulnerable.. that's not the way that it works.
Being involved with people is good I can cope with that cos I can still have a bit of distance, not that it happens with everyone. Some good close friends have been around for a number of years, they see me but there are never so many barriers or walls. But what scares me, still what makes me hide is being in love with someone.. or a few someones.. *wry chuckle*
Being in love, smashes walls down and makes me feel vulnerable and very much exposed. Just because the walls are smashed doesn't mean to say that triggers, niggles are not there. They seem to be amplified because there is no where to hide behind, no mask to put on. All the past comes home to roost, it's up to you to have to deal with all the wobbles, insecurites, and it's not just yours, there are other people that will be caught up in all this too.
And that's when things can get a little messy, complicated. You don't want to tar people with the same brush as the past, but it happens. It's a fact that you wait for things to go wrong, cos it has done in the past so what should this be any different? You want to explain, but that would feel like you are after the sympathy vote so you don't You don't believe in yourself, which goes hand in hand with you are so not worth of theiur attentions of course they are going to find someone better.
You can be at times your own worst enemy. And you join the dots when there are none to join.. It's not madness, it's not judgmental. It's your own history, experiences ( bad ones mostly) coming out to play with your head in a bad way. After so much re inforcement of you are not worthy, you are just a passing throwaway until I can find something better, is it any wonder that the castle that you live in has so many reinforced walls. Trying to explain that to a person that you love is hard, and makes you want to run away, hide because you can feel you have failed them in not being the most shizzle together person they thought you were. That you have failings and sometimes those wobbles will turn you into something that is not attractive at all...
That's where I tend to lock myself away until such time as I feel I can handle, cope with the way I am feeling.. it doesn't always work and on times I don't like myself very much at all, which makes it even harder to see why people like me.
I have a mental illness, it helps and hinders me, I am not after sympathy I would just like your understanding and help to make me less batshit, less of a basketcase. Thank you.
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