Walking in the Shadows....

I will try to explain my dark side. It something that's difficult for me to explain.

Like everyone else, I have had pain in my life. I don't feel that I have had more than my share. I have had more than some and less that others. I finally locked the pain away in a trunk that I hid in the deepest recesses of my consciousness. It allowed me to function. When I was ready, I would tap into the trunk and deal with the contents, a little at a time, until I was at a good place. I healed, but I found that some dark shadows remained in the trunk. I stored it away and used it as necessary. It was a good system until a few years ago. At that time, I went through one of the darkest periods in my life. I had several bad things happen in rapid succession. I didn't have time to deal with one before something else happened. In order to survive, I locked the pain away with every intention of dealing with it when things settled down.

It took over a year for my life to get settled down. By that time, however, the trunk that once contained the darkest shadows of my existence had grown to an entire room. The amount of pain that I had locked away was staggering. It was too much for me to deal with it as I had in the past. The darkness was also no longer as contained as it once was. It seeps out from time to time, darkening my thoughts and emotions like a thick fog. I try to push it away, but it's very difficult. The one thing that I have found that will clear my mind is physical pain.

When I experience pain, I describe it as swimming in the ocean. It is a test of endurance to try to remain afloat. I ride out the waves of pain as someone would trying to tread water in a storm. As long as I keep my head above water, I can stay afloat. It's when something happens that I lose space and feel as though I'm drowning. That something could be a sensation that's too intense, or something in the surroundings like a person talking too loudly or another scene that's gotten too loud. There is something in the experience, though, that is very healing for me. There is something in the pain that is a release for me. There is something in my experience that clears my mind, pushing the darkness away, leaving me feeling centered and balanced again.

My dark side is ironic, in a way. Sometimes when it is invading my mind, it feels comforting. It attempts to draw me in like a Siren, making me want to embrace the darkness and wrap myself up in the shadows. It's like I want it to envelop me so completely that I disappear altogether. My only source of resistance comes from the fact that I know what it feels like to be immersed in my darkness. I lose all sense of myself and have little regard for my own life. I lose hope. It's not who I am, and it's not what I want to be, so I am able to push it away.

For the past week or so, my dark side has been looming. I can feel myself involuntarily drawing in on myself, isolating myself from the world around me as well. I'm fighting it as best I can, but that's why I have been complaining about needing pain lately... serious pain. I need to be hurt so that I scream and moan. I need to be hurt so that I cry. I know that after that, everything will be better.