Navel gazing part one.

Do you ever get the yen to lose yourself in someone for hours to escape for a little while? I want to do that now. *wistful sigh*

This was written as a tweet on the way home from a few days away. While I was battling with having to re arrange myself into the mould that has been shaped by others expectations of how I should be when I get home. This leads to a bit of resentment and almost stampy foot going I don't wanna! I guess in one way I was fortunate to have a fairly long journey to get most of it out of my system before I walked through the door.

Why does it get like this, because this time I had no small person ( and please people don't get the wrong idea. I love my daughter, but I have her for the majority of the time even when I go away on holidays so it's nice not to have that every now & again) I was on my own and I could do pretty much my own thing. I had no schedule to fit in with. I could get to see who I wanted to see and who I wanted to spend time with, without the feeling that I would suddenly be called upon to cook this/fix that or just tidy up after other people. 

One thing that seems to be very much lacking is spontaneity, oh I can be. And there is nothing more than just buggering off for the day.  If D was better I think that as soon as the weather improved I would be off as much as I could be. Given a bigger bike I think I would be exploring places either that or what I like to call flash solo trips just to visit people.

And having that option these last few days has brought into focus things I have been pushing away cos I didn't want to deal with them. I like sex. I am not going to shout put in capital letters etc.( I don't still want one night stands, but I think that having long term relationships combined with a possible long standing fwb is what I can function with and deal with. )

So yes... I like the whole thing from flirting to teasing, to being in the same room as a person you fancy but want to take it slow but end up all over each other as soon as you can mange it. From slow teasing sensual kisses where the world just doesn't exist to the clashing of mouths bruising deep kisses that you can feel on your mouth for days later. The teasing of fingers tracing down neck arm slowly using nails to make a point, where you hear a sharp intake of breath, a shudder/moan. You smile, a wanton self satisfied smug smile knowing that the person that you are in this web/fog of sensual lust is as enthralled by what's happening, and more importantly your actions/ reactions to them, what they are doing. Where you can end up with a fit of giggles for now reason other than you are actually so full of endorphins etc, you just want to grin, giggle and be silly. You do feel worshipped, you feel good, you feel self confident that unless you really judge it badly you can initiate things without the fear of being rejected.

In my primary relationship that seems to have all but disappeared. if I get 'pounced' it's on his terms and when he feels like it. There is very little in the way of foreplay or kissing, and it's almost like, well I have done that, she'll leave me alone again now. OK so yes, spontaneity doesn't always happen in long term relationships, but when you have been away for a few days, he's saying that he does miss you. You don't expect to be immediately rushed off and pounced (no complaints if that happened)  but you don't expect the now immortal words ' I've been really sore & achy' which is now known as Badger speak for I am not up for anything. This has been a constant thing, and I am finding it very hard to not get upset as I write this. But I need to get this out. I don't know what to do about it but I am thinking that very soon I need to be the one that says 'We need to talk'.

It's the last week that has brought things sharply into focus. It's been lovely to feel that I am wanted and looked upon as someone that can pass for sexy, funny, sensual and to be blunt shaggable... * chuckles* That my touch on just someones skin can make them sigh with pleasure and need. That when I touch them, kiss them, they don't pull away, making the excuse that they need to get up, got things to do. or that I was grabbing so it hurt. It's much like the kink play, afterwards relax and then ooh well that made feel good  'shall we?' but the reason is that he did the work so is now tired. I start to wonder if it's laziness or just the fact that he can't be arsed :( Maybe why I get the encouragement to have other people so that he doesn't have to fulfill that role in life. I am not a sex crazed/starved 40 plus woman, out on the prowl, that's not what I am trying to say.

There is more but I am needing to go and have a good cry.. :(