Bad dreams...

Bad nightmare last night, more to do with memories past..


Walking on egg shells....

6 years of my life I spent there.

Walking on egg shells everyday, not knowing when or how but it was always there.

When I tiptoe around my own home scared to make a sound. To say a word in the event it led to a
beating and a kicking.

One of the worse things to deal with is the fact that he the abuser is so clever and he is normally so well adjusted and so well turned out and such a gentleman to others that if you tried to tell even family they would say you were a liar. Was always so attentive to your needs when with others. I had been with him two years before the real violence began, the other stuff was the setting the scene seperating me from family and friends making me so totally dependant on him I trusted him believed in him and eventaully beleived all he said to me all those times, he was abusive "that I was a no good ugly fat bitch who no-one would ever want to own or fuck a useless piece of shit who was good for nothing and never would be."

I got out finally after six long years. I had walls so thick you needed a tank to get in..and yes it can wreck the future especially if the flashbacks start coming , it can cause lots of problems with sex, it can cause severe hangups and panic attacks.. happens still I can have terrible nightmares.

Trusting again is so very very hard. You can go so far and then you stop yourself for fear of being hurt.Sometimes you become your own enemy you destroy your own relationships because you are falling in love and you are scared to let anyone that close.

The worst thing that I did to myself is to have sex without feeling anything you can close off emotions, you turn off, you shut down when things are happening. You can close off yourself behind this false shield you call protection. Yet your need is so desperate, you are so lonely and so empty you feel like you are in a hole a big dark hole..empty hole

But there is a life after abuse, a strong self willed life, you can beat it and you can come out the other side. Flashbacks will still happen and they don't dull with time but youy learn to deal with them. And maybe you'll meet people who love you not the idea of you .......