A 'nice' girl?

Here was the question: "Why is a "nice girl" like you involved in something as weird as D/s?" This question have always both amazed me and concerned me. When you begin to analyze, you come up with some pretty remarkable conclusions that are being made by people.

1. Nice girls should not be involved in the D/s lifestyle.
2. People in D/s are not nice.
3. If you are in a D/s relationship, you must not be nice.
4. D/s is weird.
5. If you're in a D/s relationship, you must be weird.
6. Weird (kinky) and nice cannot exist together in one person or in a relationship.
7) You are weird and are such an easy person to get into bed..

Looking at these, it only affirms the message that society sends to it's female members especially. All my life I had a need to be a "good girl" and to please those I held in esteem. I enjoyed being good and thrived on the praise I received for being a good girl, a good daughter, a good student and a good employee. But there was another side of me that existed inside of all that goodness.

At some point in my late adolescence or early adulthood I discovered there was a part of me that was not always good according to society's definition. Sleeping inside me was a 'darkness' that embodied all the evil things that I'd been told "bad girls" were. A pagan friend who was a lot older than me, once told me it was like a big sleeping cat, there but undisturbed..She seldom stirred from her sleep, but when she did I'd have thoughts that caused my entire body to blush. And this is why my name was given to me, a mixture of darkness and light. For years I struggled to reconcile those feelings that came calling at unexpected times and I was pretty successful. She remained locked safety away and out of sight. Only now and then did I feel her sharp claws tearing at my inner parts or hear her low growls when something aroused her. Only in my darkest fantasies did I tiptoe to where she slept and watch her dozing fitfully as her dreams disturbed her restful sleep.

As the years passed with their good and bad times, I followed the safe path. Even after my introduction to the D/s lifestyle, I was still a good girl and never strayed from my conception of what I was supposed to be. My mentor ( who I only ever spoke to online) often told me that there was a part of me that I would have to come to know and accept before I could ever be the whole submissive that any Dominant would need. His words would frequently rouse her but I was skilled at keeping her silenced and chained in the recesses of my soul where both she and I were safe. My mentor would only smile and tell me that some day I'd find peace with all the facets of personality and my switching.

I've never been a prude but I've always been modest and a bit reserved about my sexuality. As we began to delve deeper into some of the "darker" and more demanding aspects of D/s relationships, I grew increasingly aware of the sleeping cat. Very often she made herself known and her growling and clawing was an unexpected catalyst in my response to my mentor's explanations of subjects.
After one particularly subject that we talked about. My mentor expressed his surprise at my willingness to surrender more control to a Dominant. His gentle words opened a door that had remained locked for so long. "My pet, I've seen your darkness many times but are you ready to trust her with me?"

In the hours that passed, we discussed things we'd seldom put into words. All the things I'd hidden tumbled out into the light and I was able to face a part of my nature that I had tried to deny for most of my life. All of the things I'd been ashamed to acknowledge she was lustful abandon, unbridled sexual desire, wantonness and sensual pleasures. She was the animal part of me that could surrender all those things and never feel the anguish of regret or humiliation a "good girl" would feel. For the first time I understood why a dominant does the things they do. I comprehended the need for the toys, the discipline and the relentless push to reach the edge of a submissive's limits. I grasped the reason for bondage, edge-play and pain. All of it came into focus for the first time.

Once the puzzle of my own life was put together, I could see where my life-long struggle had been. I could never reconcile myself to the conflicting messages I got in growing-up and the needs I had. I was supposed to be demure but there was a driving hunger to abandon myself completely. When I tried to satisfy that craving, I was consumed with guilt for what I'd done. It was an enigma that had seemigly no logical solution. Yet I knew that even in this the 'darker side' was still being picky as I was, and that not amount of persusion  would coerce me into bed, unless we were ready to.

But then in that evening I realised being submissive and giving up control of your body and actions frees a woman from responsibility for the act of releasing her sexual nature to its fullest. You are freed from the culpability and guilt that society has used to bind you. You have no fear of the passionate person and her depraved hunger because they can be controlled by someone else's will if you trust them enough.. You can enjoy your sexuality without guilt and yet remain the "good girl."