This is not aimed at anyone, really not. This is just something to help with understanding things, understanding me & for that matter, others. Thank you :)
There is a small voice I live with. I suspect other people live with this too. It's that little voice that magnifies all your niggles, your wobbles/wibbles to the point that you cannot ignore it.
It starts quietly enough to the point that you try to make it go away. Bit by bit you find that it can get louder.
It will whisper that you will never be as good as what they have now or have had. In a mono relationship it's bad enough but in a poly relationship that can mean that you find more faults with yourself than with others, magnifies everything more. Whispers to you that, why on earth would they be interested in you? :(when the others are so so much better than you.
But it doesn't end there, oh to have it that simple. It can raise it's head when a new person is around, it also can lizard it's way into the most secure feelings you have, ones that you had never doubted before. It can cause you to look at things from every angle.. Micro managing.
And if you secure in the fact that you are poly, this little voice can still give you the wobbles.
All this little voice needs is for them to ignore you a few times, to make an offhanded remark. Forget to tell you something important. It then starts to make you question. What is it that they have got, that you haven't. Why can't they do that with me?? And when you find no answers that are apparent. You turn it on yourself, what have I done? Why am I not good enough? Am obviously too much trouble..... And so it goes on!
And It's not if you can explain it logically, it's not logical. It is reactions to things that have happened in the past, you can't control it and when it starts, oh boy it's not as easy as switching off a light or something. You can do things to take your mind off but it'll be there when all is quiet or you least expect.
Things get twisted, turned inside out & you feel that there is no end. Talking about it helps, and they realise it's not an attack on him or anyone connected most of the time. Writing it down, sharing it with people that have similar experiences does help too. As they know how the small voice works.
It's not people seeking attention, nor are people wanting sympathy. Best thing is understanding, good communication and patience. That way the small voice might just not always get the better of us.
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