I constantly battle thoughts like: "I'm such a screw up," "He thinks I'm an absolute emotional wreck," "I can't ever do anything right," "He doesn't really care, he's just saying that so he doesn't lose me," ... you know you've got some baggage inside. It happens to me every time...and worse. And not a single bit of it is true. But it's what's been drilled into my head in the past, quite forcefully. Finally, I'm coming to terms with it.

It's rather humbling to admit that you really do have problems. I never want to say it... It seems selfish and irresponsible to blame my issues on anyone, or anything, except myself and the things I have done. So many times I have watched people use their pasts as a crutch for their present; an excuse for their actions and their biting tongues. That's not the type of person I want to be - I believe that everyone should take full responsibility for who they are in word and deed.

But when you can't understand why you feel the way you do sometimes, and why things get so horribly confused and painful... it's sort of free-ing to your tortured mind to think, "These automatic thoughts and actions are results of my past...and they will go away with time and effort."

My head flashes back, my sensitivities highten, I see resemblences in what's being done, or said, and I immediately merge the present with the past. It's horrible. Something inside me just absolutely panics, and I become terrified of being broken to pieces. I throw up every sort of defense you can possibly imagine.

 It's so hard sometimes. But then again, it's helping me to get past it all and the positives soooooo outweigh the negatives. I guess it would have to be a case by case determination.

Trust. Clear communication. Unconditional love. Those are the vitals...without those,  relationships couldn't survive.

It's difficult to find the words to express something like this. I think, facts are facts...
 I overthink things. Actually, I know I do. And I know why let's just say, it's another one of those defense mechanisms my mind throws up to deflect accidentally saying the wrong thing in the wrong way.
Anyway...

I know that was more like rambling, but maybe it will help me sort things out better for the future.