So we left off.. with coffee and an ok mince pie (next time leave the tescos ones alone).Or have cream with it cos that solves most things :)
So yes, having fun or rather to let myself have fun. I am very wary of people. I have never been that trusting and when I have done in the past it has come back to bite me on the arse.. which is not always pleasant. And it does make me more wary and determined to not let people past any defences at first. There are still defences in places with people that I have known for years, there are very few people that have managed to break them all down. To give you an example there are three I am after all only human. I don't get jealous but I get envious about things. But I will not let it affect things, I do normally talk about it if I feel it needs to be talked about.. So yes I try not to put people through hoops but goddess above I get sorely tempted.
It's not helped by me thinking why on earth are they interested in me?
Seriously I do question some people's sanity as to why they think I am all the things they think I am in a good way. I have commented before that I am seriously batshit, but that seems to be an endearing quality...
I can be nasty, horrible, bitchy, grumpy, a real pessimist, depressed and if I am at my absolute worst.. detached and aloof. I don't think much of my figure although I do have great boobs for a corset * chuckles* My body could do with a bit of an overhaul, but I can be very lazy about it.. I need to have motivation for things. So any help with that would always be appreciated :) I don't list these for sympathy and I have my bloody fantastic days but in all interests of balance I think it's fair to list bad points too...
I don't do one night stands.. I can't do it even if it is for safe no strings sex... (according to sources that's how it said *g* ) but I am sure you get the idea. I am not wired to do it... I do sometimes wish that I could, and I have tried but it's not me. I feel guilty, it feels wrong, I did it twice and had such a huge post mortem after them, that was 10 years between them. And yet friends with benefits is a concept I can quite happily live with. I think it has more with my changes and how I manage with things. And the fact that there is less of an imagined stigma to me. This came as a bit of a shock a few years ago when I discussed it with a male friend of mine. *wry chuckle*
Flirting is fine and I am cool with that, although I can't flirt like some I know * chuckles*
It's a skill I have yet to master..I have in recent week have had to re examine this and I have asked people not to flirt with each other. I ran the whole gamut of feeling bad about it but in the end through talking to both, I knew that I had made the right decision. Sometimes it's not until it's a reality that you realise that maybe you are not as cool with it.(To put in context both would be involved with me and one is involved with C, it could *in my mind anyway* have gotten messy) So it's best to leave it alone for now.
So yes my views are changing and the way that I relate to people that I am involved with too.This boils down to I need to not be so involved with everyone all the time. It would be nice to know where interest lies and if anything happens I don't want to be last to know, this is mostly for long term partners. There are times that I need not try to want to fix things all the time. But I need to leave people to it... I know it's hard and I sometimes get sucked in, but it doesn't do my peace of mind any good. I then get stressed. I need to know when to say no. I need to be aware that I need help sometimes too.
There is a bit more but I think for this evening you lot have a fair amount to wade through *smiles*
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