Jigsaw...

My life is -- to put it mildly -- complicated. This journal is my sanctuary, my special place. When I'm down, I write here. When I'm happy, I write here. When I'm stressed, I write here.

Sometimes I cannot find my voice, and I cannot post. These days are the worst as I walk around with the weight of the world upon my shoulders. And then something will happen -- a comment from a friend, whether they think I'm going to like it or not or an email, a text a picture or a whole bunch, or I'll read a post by someone else -- and that's all it takes. A shift, two or three small paces to the left; and I'm back in the room.

The comments I receive from you people hearten me. Your support of me as a person. I shouldn't need validation -- in theory, we none of us do. We "write for ourselves". We "don't need validation". How many times have I written or read those words, pertaining to me or to someone else in this community? Dozens, perhaps hundreds. But the truth is that you help strengthen me by reading. I do not ask you to condone or condemn my life choices. Just read me.

I bare my soul to you. I have been doing so since I started writing here. I have made choices in my life that have surprised even me; I'm not an amoral person, and yet I transgress certain moral boundaries that from an external perspective I once found abhorrent. On one level, I am ashamed of my transgression. On another, it fits into my mad, bad, complicated life like everything else. I perceive it as a multi-piece, highly complex jigsaw... but I'm still missing some pieces. And people like you also help me to find missing pieces too...

And through writing here, I seem to find these pieces, one at a time. Mother, lover, friend, support. Sometimes they are blurred but I still have many more to go. Some pieces are being hidden from me deliberately. Some are just out of reach. Of some I am not even yet aware. Eventually, one day, I'll find them all.